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Monday
Mar092009

The Jockey

I was watching the Animal Planet channel on Sunday afternoon and I caught a marathon of a new television show based on a feisty little creature called “The Jockey.”

I had heard of this breed of animal but I had never seen one up close or in person so I did a little research.

The Jockeys’ scientific name is littleous personous and they are part of the buzzard family.

It turns out they are very advanced and easy to train. Some of them even communicate by using words, like humans. They are fascinating to say the least. After about 19 years of training they can actually go potty in a toilet and wash their talons.

Jockeys usually need between six and eight months in the nest until they are able to survive on their own. Their first six to eight months in the nest are spent watching the Wizard of Oz and Season One of Little People, Big World, over and over while eating regurgitated fish from their buzzard parents’ beaks.

When the jockeys are ready and able, their buzzard parents send them out into the world with a helmet, a pair of goggles, padded pants, sticks and shiny boots for protection. Their buzzard parents also give them a unique colorful shirt, so you can tell them apart.

When jockeys are released to the wild they somehow become very close with horses. A lot of research has gone into this phenomenon with no clear conclusion. The frustrated scientists that spent decades studying the subject of the closeness between jockeys and horses led people to begin asking the age old question: Why the long face? So now you know where that little nugget is derived.

Jockeys live at certain habitats called ‘race tracks’ and people can go and see them and the horse prance around in circles with their shiny boots and helmets.

After the frolicking is over, the jockeys head back to their dens and the horses feed them apples and carrots and their owners spray them down with a hose. They seem to like getting sprayed with hoses.

Most of these Jockey habitats are very well guarded so curious onlookers cannot get too close to them. They do not like flashes from cameras, it causes them to freak out and take all of their clothes off, make prank calls and start smoking cigarettes.

A few of the Jockeys have been known to bite peoples’ shins too, so it is necessary for people to wear shin guards around them, just as a precaution.

Jockeys are becoming so big (no pun intended) that they even have a pair of underwear named after them. The owner of Jockey Underwear came up with the name one morning while at college. His white underwear was too tight and his college buddies told him that it looked like he was smuggling a pair of jockeys in his drawers. The Jockey brand was born.

Now they are starting to pop up in high society as exotic animals, like the lions and tigers.

Jockeys tend to be very expense to purchase. I think you can buy one for six thousands dollars on the black market in Delaware or something like that.

I am going to ask for a Jockey for Christmas. I can put him in my front pocket or my wife can carry him in her purse like Paris Hilton does with her dog. I can only hope I get the one with a green and white shirt, it compliments my eyes.

It I get two of them I am going to stuff them in my underwear, so when people say to me “Hey Walt, it looks like you are smuggling some jockeys in your underwear!” I can reach in and take them out. I think that would be a first. I just hope they can breathe.

These little guys are so cute but vicious. So what ever you do, do not take a picture of a Jockey up close. It will startle them. I recommend just patting them on the helmet and maybe feed them an apple, some jockey feed or a few straws of hay. They like that. Hay isn’t just for horses. That is a popular misconception about hay and horses.

 

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Reader Comments (2)

Hello Walt,

You should have done a little more research about these creatures. After I was unable to hook up with Dee Thomas I started a cult like following of beautiful women that do nothing but try and marry us jockies. That’s right I am the first jockey to have a full time TV job on a sitcom. While I miss my Dee I am thrilled with the talent that comes through this cult and consistently entertains my little buddies.

Lil Earl

March 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLittle Earl

I actually did hear about the cult like following. I couldn't be more happy for and jealous of jockeys!

March 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWalt

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