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What the Shit Are Women Thinking?

Dream CleaningThe Waltdog has been on a holiday hiatus.  What a beautiful thing; time off from work.  I am in the midst of transitioning to a new job.

2011 is the year of the Waltdog!  You can mark that shiznit down now, folks.  This is the year I make it big.  I won’t stop until I do.  (If I don’t make it big this year then the Chinese calendar is off by a year and 2012 is the year of the Waltdog.  Stay tuned…)

I noticed a few things over the past few weeks about chicks.  We all know they are absolutely insane.  The object of every guy is to find the least crazy one according to the guys’ belief system.

Before I get started, I just want to say that I got really lucky.  Most of my friends would agree with that statement.  Wifesense is pretty sane in girl terms.  She still has her tendencies but on a scale of one to ten (one being normal, ten being chop your nuts off in your sleep crazy) I would put her about a 2.874. 

That is not to say that she doesn’t drive me completely bonkers though. 

Here are a few things that make me wonder WHAT THE SHIT ARE WOMEN THINKING:

1) We hosted Christmas Eve this year.  We had about 40-50 people coming over and about 10 of them are under the age of 9.  Which means our place was about to be trashed. 

Our house is relatively new and very spacious.  Compared to most of my boys I live in a mansion.  Then again some of my friends live in shoe boxes (how do poor people do it?  I will never understand how people on the other side of the track live.  It is a mystery wrapped in a dirty row home.) 

So we have to set up for the Christmas party and get everything going to feed all of these people that were coming over, which is obviously exhausting.  I have one idea of how to get everything set up and Wifesense has a completely different idea. 

I think we should tidy up and get everything in Christmas mode.  Wifesense thinks we need to scrub the entire house as if we were cleaning up a murder scene.  She expects both of us to be on all fours with toothbrushes and getting in between the cracks of the hard wood floors. 

The way we cleaned PRIOR to the party had me believe that people were going to be eating off of the floor, then I checked and we definitely had enough plates. 

This is what confuses me.  Why put in so much effort to HOST a party, when you have to turn right around and clean up AFTER the party. 

Am I right here?  I am all for making the house look good and clean.  But I am not for making the house look like no one lives in it. 

We may as well put plastic on the furniture. 

So we spent the two days leading up to Christmas Eve cleaning.  Then we spent the four days after cleaning up from the party.  I don’t get this logic and I probably never will, which leads to the next observation;

2) We have a cleaning woman come once or twice a month.  My wife spends two days cleaning BEFORE the cleaning lady comes.  I have no idea what we pay this woman for.  I have to keep reminding my wife that she is, indeed, a cleaning woman and not a clean house critic. 

The house actually looks dirtier when the cleaning woman is done, then when my wife prepares the house for the cleaning woman to come over.  Why exhaust all of this energy?  I am not recommending crapping on the living room floor and leaving it for the cleaning lady.  But we shouldn’t be licking the baseboards clean either. 

I just imagine the cleaning lady coming in, sitting on our couch for four hours smoking cigarettes and catching up on her text messages, rather than cleaning. 

Then when the four hours are up, she grabs the check off of the table and dirt devils the spot on the couch where she sat. 

I can’t imagine her having to do ANYTHING. 


Last, but not least;

3) Why do women comment on your clothes BEFORE the night even starts?  We were going out for New Year’s Eve and I came down looking dapper as shit.  I had on a nice pair of gray slacks, shiny-ass black shoes and my favorite pastel blue dress shirt.  It is one of those wrinkle free shirts that cost me a pretty penny. 

I came down the stairs and finished getting ready and I had the nerve to roll my sleeves up prior to heading out.  You would have thought I admitted to an affair with the look on my wife’s face.  She literally looked as if her head was going to explode. 

Her face turned bright red and she simply said “You are rolling your sleeves up NOW!” with a heavy emphasis on the word now. 

She is insane when it comes to my apparel.  Here are a few more examples of prior digs about my clothes by Wifesense:

“You are wearing that tie with that suit?”

“You are only shaving three hours before the wedding?”

“You are wearing that face with that suit?”

“Your underwear has wrinkles in it?”

“Black socks do not go with that black suit!”

I think you get the point.  This is really the only time we argue (other than being plastered together).  So why do women do this? 

Two seconds after our little spat about rolling my sleeves up, my wife’s cousin, Mary (they are like sisters) makes a comments about the color of the undershirt her husband was wearing.  I couldn’t even see that he was wearing a t-shirt.  It was as if she had x-ray vision. 

So I know that I am not alone. 

The great part about all of that (and the defining difference between guys and girls) is women SOLICIT our advice and we know to glowingly tell our significant others how beautiful they look, even if we ever think otherwise (which we NEVER do).

And guys NEVER solicit the women’s advice and they ALWAYS give it anyway and it is never, ever good. 

I may just start draping myself in valor to prove a point and to be comfortable. 

Girls are nuts. 

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