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humor blog


Entries in Offbeat (34)

Wednesday
Apr012009

60-Foot Penis Painted On Roof

This story is short and sweet. It had me rolling on the floor, laughing.

An 18-year-old has secretly painted a 60 foot drawing of a phallus on the roof of his parents' £1million mansion in Berkshire. It was there for a year before his parents found out. They say he'll have to scrub it off when he gets back from traveling.

My boy Dave Cup sent me this huge nugget and I couldn’t resist writing about it. This kid is freaking legendary.

His parents couldn’t have been that mad. It is really, really funny. Their son is extremely talented and very creative. He should receive a scholarship.

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Tuesday
Mar102009

Man Wrestles Kangaroo from Home

This is no joke. You know the world is coming to an end when you wake up and a kangaroo is in your kitchen eating cereal. I think that is actually one of the seven signs written about in the bible.

I know I just wrote about this recently but this story really happened. Maybe I have some special powers and what I write about actually comes true. Some poor family out there may just wake up and get mauled to death by a Rosie O’Donnell. I pray that doesn’t happen.

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Monday
Mar092009

The Jockey

I was watching the Animal Planet channel on Sunday afternoon and I caught a marathon of a new television show based on a feisty little creature called “The Jockey.”

I had heard of this breed of animal but I had never seen one up close or in person so I did a little research.

The Jockeys’ scientific name is littleous personous and they are part of the buzzard family.

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Tuesday
Mar032009

The Different Smells of a Gym Coming from a Fat Smelly Guy

My current B.F.F., The Prince, sent a text message to me the other day about this subject and I really didn’t care about it until this morning.

I was staring at my fat-roll laced torso in the mirror and picking the lint out of my belly button (I could’ve made a pair of mittens with the amount of lint I picked out. Just in time too! I have been warming up the old snow ball throwing arm for 24 hours, only I don’t own a pair of winter gloves).

Then it occurred to me: My new hair care products smell fantastic! It was a sign from God. I use American Crew shampoo and pomade. I smell like I just walked out of a barber shop. It is quite refreshing and a confidence booster.

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Wednesday
Feb252009

The Mystery of the Number 2 Pencil

No more pencils, no more books, no more teachers dirty looks, out for summer, out for fall, we might never come back at all.

Ahhh, sleeping at school. It was one of my favorite pastimes. It all began with the teacher rambling on about God knows what. Then my eyelids became heavy and my head began to nod. I would shake my head a few times to try and stay awake. I always had to give in though, so I would prop my head up with my hand as my elbow dug into the desk.

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