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humor blog


Sunday
Jul242011

The Secret to a Long and Prosperous Marriage

I have the answer to the age old question of how to make a marriage last. In this day and age marriages fail more often than not. I think this has something to do with people being way more stupid than in decades past, I am no expert on comparing stupid patterns by decades though – so I could be wrong.

Wifesense and I will be married for 7 years this December and we were together for about 7-8 years before we got married. We have been together for almost half of our freaking lives. That is insane.

At least 6 people over the past decade have asked me how I have done it. They ask me how I have succeeded at this relationship level and I am ready to share my knowledge.

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Saturday
Jul022011

Potty Humor

 

To say I like potty humor would be a vast understatement.  I like poop talk and I like it a lot!  The scene in Dumb and Dumber where Lloyd Christmas (Jim Carrey)  puts the large dose of laxative in Harry Dunne’s (Jeff Daniels) coffee and the subsequent bathroom mess by Harry is classic.  The little ‘whistle toot’ at the end of Harry’s diarrhea episode always cracks me up.

Potty humor spans the globe and I have no idea where it starts, it is as a universal language like math.  Last night I was lying on my oldest son’s floor while he was going to bed.  The room was dark and it was very quiet, it was almost serene as if we were both meditating.  I thought my son was dead asleep. 

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Monday
Jun062011

Drunken Sailor Forgets his Wife in a Lengendary Way


Drunken Sailor forgets his wife and calls the authorities to announce that she drowned

I am not making this shit up. I have gotten really drunk before to the point where I blacked out. This type of event happened so often in my life that I can’t even count the times. I am not bragging I am just trying to equate my situation to this sailor’s situation.

I estimate that I have forgotten about 2-3 years of my life by being blacked out and I have never found myself in this situation. I can’t even fathom being that drunk.

This guy in Sweden (a sailor of course) got so drunk that he forgot where his wife was. He went out to sea and returned and couldn’t find her. He called the authorities and made up a story that she fell overboard and drowned.

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Friday
May202011

The End of Days – Waltsense Confessions

Considering tomorrow is the end of the world as we know it, Walt wanted to get a few things off of his chest.

Walt wanted to get to this earlier in the week so the people close to him could digest it but Walt was too busy buying up all of the batteries in Rite Aid, digging a large hole in his backyard to use as a makeshift bomb shelter and using all of Wifesense’s life savings on duct tape, bottle sparkling water, canned vegetables, SPAM, caviar and nudie magazines.

Walt also spent the past few weeks sharpening up on his Zombie Killing Skills.  He went to the bank and took out two grand worth of rolled quarters and completed the first person shooter game Area 51 at Dave and Busters in Plymouth Meeting Pa.  It only took countless hours/days and elbowing out the dorky 13-year olds who tried to get the second pistol out of his death grip but Walt succeeded. 

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Saturday
May142011

People Suck Monkey Balls


I will never hide the fact that I absolutely hate people – they are the worst. As I am getting older people are forcing me to become more observant.

I guess I do this to pass the time or to daydream and think about what the fuck makes people do what they do.

I went to Wawa this morning and I observed the following - People are in their own little world. (Wawa is a convenience store. Your trip in there is meant to be CONVENIENT. It is like the fast food of supermarkets. )

You can really tell a lot about people with how they act in certain situations. Here is an example:

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